Thursday, November 04, 2004

Beautiful Words

[Warning: this post is from notes I wrote a week and a half ago, it is likely to be incoherent]

I'd like to be spiritual and mystical but I need the concrete and I need applications. I recently encountered Meredith through a comment on one of my posts [How Do You Explain Suffering?]. As is evident from reading my response, I was frustrated by her comment and wondered if she was some young collegiate who hadn't lived much life nor suffered much pain. I was wrong -- you can see for yourself reading through our dialogue. I'm thankful that she is so gracious and forgiving because I value her comments on my blog and on others.

I'm often frustrated by the constant, unrelenting demands of my children and my desire to escape. I know this creates conflict. I haven't beat myself up about this much because I believe I'm a very good mother, not perfect, but certainly the best one they have. I'd like to improve and there is lots of room for it as I try to deal with feelings of patience, anger and frustration.

I need the concrete, I need applications. Perhaps this is just a crutch, perhaps its a barrier to faith.

Reading Agnes Sanford's Behold Your God, Meredith's comments, Larry's blog and comments, I'm finding an application for selfless love. I need to think of my children's needs first, sounds trite. On a psychic/spiritual level, I need to attend to them. Perhaps its part of attentiveness. I must value their feelings over expressing my own. I must sublimate (or transcend?) my desires for what is best for them. So they may grow up to be spiritually healthy, so that they may grow up to heal others -- perhaps they are beginning by healing me. They only require all of me and this is what will keep me on the path I want to tread.

I need to work on humility. So much is beyond me, but this is what I have, and this is what I know. This is what I can practice and be content with and have faith that it will move me forward.

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