Sugartime -- Not So Sweet

I recently mentioned some books about making maple syrup. Well, a PBS show, Postcards from Buster, has done an episode on just that. Only I won't get to see it because folded within the episode are a couple of families headed by gay women. Read about it here. The station decided not to air the episode because of potential controversy over the alternative families. This was followed by a letter from the Secretary of Education expressing concern.

From my understanding of the show, which I've seen parts of before, the family is a brief background while the story is about the kids and what they are doing -- in this episode its making maple syrup and cheese. I have an easy solution to save this episode -- instead of introducing the women as both being mommies, simply introduce one as a mommy and say the other is a nanny. No kid around here would bat an eyelash.

Anger

I'm reading the book Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh and I'm really enjoying it. I've been hearing about Hanh for awhile now, he's a Buddhist monk who has written many books and is well recommended. I've been sort of skittish about Buddhism, feeling that as a Christian, it has nothing to offer me. I'm changing my mind. I'm not about to become Buddhist, but I feel like Buddhism may offer me more concrete ways of living what Jesus taught. Getting into the theological works of Hanh would probably be too much for me at the moment, but as I scrolled the list of his books contained in my county library, I ran across several that address important issues to me.

I have a problem with anger (I'm prone to fits, my husband said when asked). Its not a huge problem in that I don't destroy things or physically harm others, but I know when I'm angry I'm in a bad mood, I can't concentrate, and my interactions with others suffer. I'm snappish, pre-occupied, and impatient at the least. I know its not good to be angry -- its not good for me, not good for my family, not good for my friends. I try to deal with it, to overcome it, to analyze it so it might dissipate. I know its not good for my spirit or my body. At this point, I've seen no ill effects physically, but its only a matter of time. What bothers me most is that my eldest daughter shares my personality and how can I ever help her to overcome her own anger and frustration when I cannot overcome my own -- when she is learning how to deal with anger from me and sees me swept away in it.

So, I thought I'd request Anger. I've read the first two chapters and was relieved to see that it doesn't require a lot of knowledge of Buddhism nor is it heavy handed in its Buddhism. Hanh is a Buddhist, clearly, but I feel he shows compassion and understanding towards those of other faiths. He seems merely to be trying to show a way.

What I've read so far has really changed my view of how to deal with anger. I always tried to rid myself of it, to overcome it or transcend it. Hanh uses lots of analogies, which I enjoy because it helps me visualize and understand what he is saying. Anger is not to be banished from us, it is to be accepted and cared for just as a crying infant is coddled and cared for by its mother. In caring for your anger and in awareness, the anger will eventually turn to compassion. He speaks of the importance of mindfulness training but he hasn't gotten into how that is done. He stresses, however, that it does not take weeks or years of practice and that even short bits of meditation and mindfulness can be helpful. I like this approach. I started reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, but she was getting into meditation in the beginning of her book and I just wasn't interested. I view meditiation as something that I'd have to stop and make time for, and I just don't have the time (or interest). However, Hanh seems to be hinting that mindfulness and focused breathing can occur anywhere, anytime and need not take hours to be helpful.

Food for thought. I look forward to reading more.

The Importance of Being Marjorie

Realizing I was on the verge of inundating a friend of mine with unsolicited advice (she's used to it), I thought I might rather blog on the topic of volunteer work.

As I hope is evident from this blog, I love being a full-time mom -- its what I want to do and I'm glad to be doing it. It isn't always easy and I'm not a perfect mom, but I'd rather be here than in an office (where things aren't always easy and I'm not perfect). However, its important to me to have some additional interests -- it also makes it easier to have cocktail party conversation (for the two we're invited to each year).

I see this as a slightly different topic than the 'me time' the parenting magazines advise for moms ('go get a pedicure', 'have a girls night out'), but maybe its all the same and I'm unimaginative, but my blog is one of my interests, so here it is.

Its important to me to get out and be Marjorie, not just someone's mom. I volunteer one evening a week at the library and I enjoy the adult conversation and also the opportunity to do a discrete, simple task that is not undone by the young children who follow me around during the day. I also get to look at a lot of books as they move through my hands and onto the shelves. My DH watches the kids while I volunteer and its nice for him to have some time alone without my nagging.

Earlier in my mommy experience, I trained to be a museum docent. I really enjoyed the docent training that I did. I didn't complete the training because of the logistical difficulties of arranging for childcare and getting into the city. During my short training, though, I learned a lot about American history, how people lived, and furnishings. In some ways, it whetted my appetite to homeschool -- there are so many things to learn, I want to learn along with my kids.

After the docent training fell through, I took an evening Bible study for three years. This was great for me, I really enjoyed learning about the Bible and the time away from home.

I also enjoy volunteering with a state homeschooling organization, but most of the work I've done with them has been computer work and doesn't satisfy the social need.

Anyway, I think volunteering is a great way to get out of the house, learn some new skills or use some you already have, meet new people, and be yourself. There are plenty of ways to volunteer and there are plenty of organizations (some not so great to their volunteers but others are wonderful). I had to look for awhile and there was a lot of trial and error, but I'm happy where I am.

Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Or is it? You be the judge.

My kids and I enjoy Mr. Roger's Neighborhood -- its peaceful, interesting, and a generally happy show. I also love the instrumental music that plays throughout -- its very soothing and a nice way to spend half an hour. I set the VCR to tape the show because its on at mid-day and I try to avoid mid-day TV watching and lots of time we aren't home anyway.

Yesterday, as we sat down to watch the tape, I was surprised by a curious juxtaposition of images. I was expecting the opening song and Mr. Rogers smiling face to come through the door when we saw W walking across the screen with Laura instead. I hadn't realized the station was carrying the inauguration instead of regular programming. Oh well, we had earlier episodes taped, so we watched one of those instead.

We were at my mom's earlier in the day and she had the inauguration on TV. I made some commentary on W's speech a la MSK 2000, but I'd do that if it was Kerry up there.

Dishwasher Disappointment - A Cautionary Tale

We're having trouble with our dishwasher. Its about 3-years-old, which seems pretty new to me. Its a Kenmore with a digital control panel. Digital control panels make me uneasy, I like a good old-fashionable knob you can pull and turn and push, it feels real to me. If the digital control panel does not work, all the button pushing in the world won't help -- its like being a small child, desperately trying to get the attention of an adult who is busy with other things (okay, now I feel like crap). Our wall oven is digital and so far, its been fine. Sometimes, though, I hit the button to change the temperature and it simply does not respond and eventually sets itself to the original temperature, from which my desperate button-pushing could not change it. After a few tries, I've always been able to coax it to the temperature I want (I've got this really odd feeling that there is some sort of analogy to marriage in all this but I don't know what....). Back to the world of appliances. I like knobs -- if my oven had a knob, I'd just turn it to the temperature I want on the first try (ohhhh...men are knobs, women are control panels. Reminds me of a Washington Post Magazine article with a picture of a light switch and the caption "men" and a picture of the cockpit of a plane labelled "women").

Back to the dishwasher travails. A few months ago, it broke. No fanfare, nothing, we just went to push the buttons one day and nada. We weren't sure the cause, but its possible that the 2-year-old was pushing the buttons and it just couldn't take it anymore. We had a repairperson out who announced the control panel had to be changed. Big money and a whammy. Okay, we get that changed. We were urged to take out the Mafia-esque insurance plan -- the service contract. We resisted having been brought up very conservatively that you buy a product and its supposed to work -- you do not buy a product expecting it to break (such a quaint, simple time in which we were raised). The foreboding pronouncement that 'these things break all the time,' did not sway us.

I guess we are technically on our second problem now. As soon as it occurred, we bought the damn policy -- we're fools but not completely stupid. The second problem was minor -- a problem with the heating element so the dishes were clean and the ceramics were dry, but the plastics and cutlery were covered with water droplets. Not a huge problem, but with two small children we have lots of plastic cups and plates and it was annoying to have to dry them. Actually, it took a long time to unload the dishwasher, a task I don't really enjoy especially when I'm repeatedly interrupted to change diapers, wipe bottoms, refill cups of milk, and clean up sundry messes.

So, DH calls the repair center. We get a repairman this time who is totally into his job, he explained the intricacies of the machine, pointed out additional things that needed replacement (it felt a bit like churning, I believe we pay for parts under our insurance plan). Of course, the parts need to be ordered and another appointment needs to be made, cancelled by them, and made again. So, four weeks later, we get a repair call during which all items are installed. She also told us she installed a new control panel. The dishwasher ran last night, did not drain and we're dealing with a moody, non-responsive control panel this morning. So we went from having a crapped out heating element to a completely broken dishwasher. Not only are we drying dishes, we are washing them, too. Argh.

But I'm really trying to do the whole gratitude thing and it is working because as I bitch and moan about hand-washing dishes, I can't help but be glad I'm not visiting any loved ones in the hospital. I think of my good friend who is getting her first haircut since being diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago.

Yeah, life is good -- but I suggest you not buy a dishwasher with a control panel.

Its Beginning to Look at lot like Christmas

We're having our first snowfall of the season, I believe (we have have had brief flurries but no accumulation). My eldest is asking for her snowpants and dying to get outside. I am not a fan of winter or the cold, but if its going to be both, we might as well have some snow. Of course, in our neck of the woods, lots of people freak out when it snows -- have they called for early school closings yet? I just hope this doesn't mean we have to reschedule our dishwasher repair.

Gotta go get suited up for the snow so we can run around for 5 minutes, get cold, come inside, peel off our wet clothes, change into dry clothes and drink hot chocolate. Maybe we can read some books about snow -- The Big Snow, The Snowy Day, Katy and the Big Snow, Winter Days in the Big Woods, Sugar Snow, and Winter on the Farm, I hope I can find them.

Just another day in paradise.

UPDATE: Didn't make it through all the books, but did read a few. Kudos to the 2-year-old who actually sat through one next to me and who didn't yell while I read the others (a vast improvement over her ususal behavior). Couldn't find Sugar Snow, but we read Sugar on Snow, an excellent book about how Maple syrup is made. We're looking forward to attending a syrup boil-down in February at a local park.

Who Has the Time to Judge?

I've been spending too much time reading blogs addressing the problem of judging others and feeling judged where parenting decisions are involved. Its tiring and I can't help but feel manipulated by marketers of books and those who read these books and take offense. You can pretty much guess what the book is going to say (you don't even have to guess if you read the jacket or a book review) so why read it if you disagree? So you can attack faulty or distorted statistics? Who even cares about numbers when we're dealing with flesh and blood? I find it dehumanizing.

When I first became a full-tim mom, I was extremely judgmental of working moms. Why? Because I thought my choice was the best and disagreed with theirs -- and I knew darn well they were judging me ("you're going to stay home? I could never do that." Well, you could if you wanted to; I want to so it shouldn't be such a stretch to imagine. "I was so bored during maternity leave." Caring for infants can be boring, but they don't remain that way for long. "Don't you feel you're wasting your law degree?" Yeah, what with that lobotomy we're given when we resign after childbirth -- please, it didn't evaporate, its still there). I was also lonely, if more people chose full-time parenting I wouldn't be staring at nannies on the playground.

Life goes on, you meet other people, form playgroups. Eventually, you meet people who have made different choices and you realize that their choices work well for them. They are not you - so long as you're happy with your choices, what difference does it make? If you can keep in mind that you are happy where you are, its easier to shake off the subtle suggestion that you don't need as much intellectual stimulation as women who work.

We all face the prospect of being judged whenever someone makes a choice not in accord with our own. We can choose to parse it out and feel judged or we can decide that each person is free to make their own decisions, rejoice in this freedom, and get on with our lives. Thats what I need to do now.